


Bleach is my Wine

by Obsidian_Bandit



Series: Merlin is a suicidal mess fics, aka me projecting onto these characters my own mental issues. [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Don't Try This At Home, Hurt Merlin (Merlin), Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Sorry, M/M, Magic, Merlin's Neckerchief (Merlin), Not a lot of comfort, Suicidal Thoughts, i didnt know that was a tag..., ive been putting writing this off for a month now, just had to put that out there, so the merlin/arthur is only kind of implied
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:02:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24024037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Obsidian_Bandit/pseuds/Obsidian_Bandit
Summary: “See you later.” Merlin waved feebly at the prince, watching him turn and leave. The black-haired boy quickly cleaned up his prince's room and then made his way to stables. He was walking only half aware, and more than once nearly ran into someone.Why am I being so absent-minded today? Merlin thought to himself. I’m usually not this bad…Sighing, he decided to put the thought away for another day and try and focus on his surroundings. He didn’t need to annoy even more people so early in the day.or the prequel to suicide pills are my candy that I've been putting off writing for a month.or or, yet another Merlin is suicidal fic.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: Merlin is a suicidal mess fics, aka me projecting onto these characters my own mental issues. [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1732966
Comments: 4
Kudos: 64





	Bleach is my Wine

**Author's Note:**

> I've put this off for one month now, technically longer, I'm really sorry about that. I wanted to personally thank the people who commented on my previous Merlin fic, the one that this is a prequel to, you guys are probably the only reason this fic is seeing the light of day. Seriously, I love y'all, stay safe! (I also wanted to add that I finally figured out the easy way to have things italicized in fics, this took me way to long to figure out.)
> 
> Enjoy!

Merlin dragged himself out of bed and lazily put on his clothes. Every day he wanted to just stay in his bed, not do anything, because maybe if he didn’t do anything none of his screwups would happen. But every day he managed to scrape himself from his bed and do the tasks assigned to him, if only because he couldn’t stand to see Arthur anymore disappointed in him then he surely already was.

“Merlin, aren’t you going to eat breakfast?” Gaius asked him as the manservant began to quickly rush to the door, ignoring the food Gaius had set out for him.

“I can’t, I’m already a bit late and I don’t need Arthur even more annoyed at me,” Merlin explained quickly, slowing down only slightly. “I’ll eat a bigger lunch.”

And with that, he quickly rushed out of the room to fetch Arthur’s breakfast and wake the stubborn man up.

——

“You know Merlin, it’s a wonder I haven’t replaced you yet, what with how horrible you are at your job,” Arthur stated plainly as Merlin began to clothe the blonde.

“Guess not even you can resist my charm,” Merlin smiled at his joke, even though Arthur’s words did slightly hurt him. He was fairly used to them by now and knew Arthur only ever meant them in jest, but some days they still managed to hurt the manservant. “Anyways, what’s on the agenda for today?”

“Training with the knights, but it’ll just be some stealth training, per my father's request, so you can muck out my stable instead,” Arthur replied, now fully clothed and heading toward the door to begin his day. “See you later, Merlin.”

“See you later.” Merlin waved feebly at the prince, watching him turn and leave. The black-haired boy quickly cleaned up his prince's room and then made his way to stables. He was walking only half aware, and more than once nearly ran into someone. 

_ Why am I being so absent-minded today? _ Merlin thought to himself.  _ I’m usually not this bad… _

Sighing, he decided to put the thought away for another day and try and focus on his surroundings. He didn’t need to annoy even more people so early in the day.

\------

After quickly mucking out Arthur’s stable Merlin decided to take a stroll through the woods, disregarding his previous knowledge of how dangerous they could be. It wasn’t as if he truly cared much about his well being anymore.

The forest floor felt comforting beneath Merlin’s feet, even through his shoes. It felt calmer, slower, and overall more relaxed. He enjoyed it, let himself take a deep breath, and enjoy the calm after how hectic it felt his life had gotten. He missed relaxation and hated thinking of it as only a luxury.

Stopping for a moment to fully take in the scents and sounds of the woods he let himself relax, felt the tension leave his body when he suddenly heard the snap of a twig and turned around hurriedly. Or at least, he tried to turn around hurriedly but found he couldn’t move a single one of his limbs. He opened his mouth and tried desperately to utter the words of a spell, any spell, but his mouth wouldn’t form around the words. The only thing he could move was his eyes, which danced around the trees wildly, trying to spot his attacker.

Slowly, a figure emerged from the trees. They were dressed in all black, and the only piece of skin visible was their wrists, which looked cut and scarred beyond repair. They moved swiftly towards Merlin who could feel his heart rate shoot up dangerously high.

“Don’t worry, Merlin, this is for the greater good, you know,” the person spoke softly as they lifted a gloved hand to softly caress Merlin's cheek. The manservant felt like throwing up. “This is so Arthur can be a better king, unburdened by a worthless servant consumed in his own thoughts of self-hate to the point that he can no longer be of any use to his master. I am sorry this has to happen, you seem like a lovely person when you’re not wallowing in self-pity, but we both know I have to do this.”

The person hooked a finger beneath Merlin’s chin and forced his gaze to meet their own. Soft red eyes stared back at Merlin’s own brilliant blue ones, and despite being unable to move the manservant felt the world begin to sway around him before his eyes softly shut.

“That’s a good boy, the pain will only last until you decide to make it stop.” The last words he heard before his legs buckled and he fell to the ground.

——

Will. Hunith. Boys. Girls. Laughing. All of them. Laughing.

Merlin was tied to a stake, rope digging into his skin, burning his arms as he struggled against it. Straw was beneath him, and just as he connected the dots he noticed someone, someone that looked both like Arthur and yet not, move forward with a torch and light the straw aflame.

He screamed and screamed, but no noise came out. His own thoughts were drowned by the laughing. The sickening laughing. The horrible laughing. The bloodcurdling laughing.

_ Stop. Stop laughing, goddammit! There’s nothing funny about this! _ Merlin desperately tried to scream. 

Then just as suddenly as it had started the laughing stopped. Merlin tentatively opened eyes he hadn’t realized he’d shut to see blood. All the blood dripping from the bodies to the grass, covering the green with a terrible shade of red.

“You killed them…” Merlin snapped his head to the left at the sound of a voice. Arthur’s voice. “You’re a warlock… you’re magic!”

“Arthur, wai-“ Merlin tried to cut in, to explain it couldn’t have been him, he’d never kill Will or his mother or anyone from Ealdor, no matter how much they hated him.

“You betrayed me,” Arthur cut him off, tears of anger in his eyes. “You were by my side all those years, helping me, protecting me, when all along this was who you really were… this is all you’ve ever been! They were right… you really are a monster, Merlin.”

Suddenly Merlin felt himself falling, falling, falling, through an endless black. The word monster rattled around in his head, like coins in a tin band-aid box. He’d lied. He’d cheated. He’d betrayed Arthur in all of the worse ways.

He closed his eyes and wished for it to all end.

——

When Merlin slowly opens his eyes the first thing he does is start to sprint. Before he remembers to breathe, before he tries to think anything about the dream-like scenario that just happened, before a single thought can enter his head, he starts to sprint back to the castle, to Camelot. A part of him is screaming at him to stop, to turn around, to never show his face again because Arthur will hate him and he should just leave before he has to see the expression Arthur will surely make when he finds out his manservant is also a warlock.

But still, Merlin keeps sprinting. He sprints until he reaches the door to Arthur’s chambers and bursts in, panting and weak-kneed, and looks around frantically for the prince. When he doesn’t see him his mind begins to race,  _ ‘he already knows, he’s preparing the pyre himself, he hates you so much he can’t stand to be in the same room as you, he’s finally eloped with Gwen and left you behind. Gaius told him, Uther knows and has forcibly separated him from you’.  _

Sitting down on the side of the bed, Merlin placed his head in his hands and tried to clear his mind. He knew the dream had been only that, a dream, and that Arthur was still oblivious to his magic. Just as he began to feel a bit more grounded he heard footsteps in the hall that he recognized indisputably as Arthur’s, and everything came rushing back at once. The warlock felt hot tears begin to trek down his cheeks, and his legs felt full of energy, he wanted to run, but he knew there was nowhere he could go that Arthur couldn’t find him.

Slowly,  _ almost theatrically, who was the prince trying to draw the suspense out for? _ , his brain supplied with probably the last bit of his humor, the doorknob turned and then Arthur was standing there. In the room with Merlin, Merlin who was crying into his hands, trying to keep from making noise or shaking too hard.

_ ‘I probably look like a dead man walking, sitting here. I probably just look dead honestly.’  _ Merlin thought, causing another sob to wrack his body.

“Are you dead?”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading that fever dream of a fic, I'm still debating whether or not to try and write a sequel to Suicide Pills are my Candy, I'm not willing to promise anything just yet, but it might happen.


End file.
